Recognize the Real Problem (It’s Not Your Spouse):

"Stress is often the source of contention, and it's easy to blame your spouse or something they did. Instead, recognize what's really bothering you and try not to take it out on them." — Bill and Gina Nelson, married 34 years, Lakeville, MN.

This is so very important, and, when not properly addressed and managed, has led to the break up of so many homes. Men have their faults, just as women do. For men, it is more often than not the stressors that challenge their manhood, causing them to doubt themselves, their worth, and their ability.

That is, their ability to provide cover, whether it be spiritually, physically, or psychologically. Men's foolish pride and or ego do them harm in such scenarios. It takes their minds off the issue to the possible effects. Focusing on the effects becomes a chasing of shadows with no end, as it does not address the real issue.

For women, more often than not, it is the seeming insecurity that is ushered in as a result of the stressor. The accompanying fears and anxiety become the drivers of her behaviors - actions and reactions. This is worse if she has been through the path before, or knows someone who has.

The couple becomes like their parents, Adam and Eve, seeking to be covered with leaves when their nakedness has been exposed. Their weaknesses take the front row, playing music they begin to dance to naturally. It feels right, but all so very wrong. It is the opium to seemingly soothe their pains, though short-lived.

The endemic rebellion and witchcraft (manipulation) tendencies of the woman are given free rein. This starts unconsciously, but if not checked at the door becomes the order of the day, in the home. They are the leaves for covering her seeming nakedness. She sees the damage but loves the music. It feels right, though wrong.

The insecurities of the man also set in. It seems like his inadequacies have been discovered. People suppose a man's greatest need is sex. How so wrong. A man's greatest need is REST, not sex. Sex is only a means to rest. What he is looking for in sex is REST. No wonder the holy books speak of the heinousness of a woman who complains without stopping.

The man is defeated in one of two ways. He can be cowered to less than he should be. Or, allow his animalistic, lower self to have reigned. Both are dangerous to the soul of the marriage. The former is an emasculation, the latter an animalization. Both you want to avoid.

As John Eldredge so rightly teaches in his book, "Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul," “Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.” All three are meant to be for the woman and the home, not against them.

You don't want to domesticate your man. Just as you don't want your woman to feel insecure. You both need to see each other as being on the same team and addressing the stressors together as the team that you are. That is the way to fireproof your home and your marriage.

The Saint.