Tolerance: The Secret of a Happy Married Life (Part Two)

"A husband must learn to tolerate his wife’s infirmities, because in doing so he either cures her, or makes himself better." (Jeremy Taylor) By the same token, A wife must learn to tolerate her husband’s infirmities, because in doing so she either cures him, or makes herself better. That sounds like a fair deal. Doesn’t it?

That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life. (Paul Tournier)

Just by virtue of all I do in this community, a good number probably see us (my wife and myself) as “one of the best things to ever happen since sliced bread.” Some men probably wish they were married to a woman like my wife, while some women wish they were married to a man like myself. How so mistaken their evaluation? Remember the old adage, “the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side.” I am no different from you all. May be I get to spend more time thinking on these things, observing, studying and experimenting. That in no way excuses my humanity.

We can only learn to love by loving. (Iris Murdoch)

As one on the other side, let me in no unclear terms let you know, “I have the same soil as you do. I have the same grass as you do. The difference might be what I am doing to the soil and the grass – the watering and tendering.” Therein is the secret to ALL marriages. ALL men are, at their very soul, the same. ALL women are, at their very soul, the same. Your spouse is not the problem. The problem might be your lack of knowledge and understanding on how to relate. The problem might be your lack of understanding of your spouse’s personality and uniqueness, and your unwillingness to overlook and accept. Your challenge might be your imprisonment to certainty, and the strong desire to be in control of all things. You might just be a prisoner of your model, at the expense of the reality that is staring you right in the face. Life is not perfect. You are not perfect. And, your spouse is not perfect. The earlier you make peace with this reality, the earlier you begin to empty and thrive in your relationship. You don't necessarily get all you want. The onus is always on us to make the best of that which we have.

Marriage is an opportunity to die. (Paul Washer)

The table is not pre-set in marriage. That is your place. That is the place of your spouse. That is the place of the two both of you. Get to working on it. What you get from your spouse is what you rub off. There are no incidents in life. There is a cause. There is a reason. Change your approach and you might get a whole lot different result. After all there was something you saw when you married. What has changed - the cluster, the nearness, the familiarity, the reality or what? The process of flesh meeting flesh (the rough edges rubbing against one another) is the bonding process. Two people can NEVER become one until they sincerely accept each other for who they are, not who they want each other to be.

Show love through kindness. Kindness is smiling when your spouse walks through the door. Kindness is telling him you're proud of him. Kindness listens. (Lori Emery)

Wake up to the reality of who your spouse is and seek to get the best out of whom he/she is and your marriage. Your marriage does not have to be the same as that of your parents, or your friends. Your marriage is unique. You are unique. Your spouse is unique. Make the best of your uniqueness and make it the best it can ever be. We all have a language: a way we need to be talked to, a way we need to be rubbed to function at our highest potential. Speak my language and see just how much you are able to get out of me. That is the whole foundation of friendship. That is the focus of oneness. That is the focus of marriage.

My business is to love others and not to seek that others shall love me. (Robert Cleaver Chapman)

Focus on the things that bind you together, not the things that pull you apart. We all are never going to agree on every little detail of life. The important thing is that we agree on the fundamentals, and we exercise tolerance on every other thing.

To validate something is to recognize its value. Sometimes couples resist offering validation because they misunderstand it. Validating your partner does not mean admitting guilt, accepting blame, or seeking forgiveness. Validation is simply an acknowledgement that your spouse’s experience, viewpoint, feelings, or reaction has value and should be heard. (Erin Smalley)

Care for your spouse. Care for your marriage. Cultivate them. The result you get, or are getting, is determined by your tendering. You are getting what you are squeezing out of your spouse. If you want a different result change the way you rub off. Respect the person of your spouse. Respect your own self. Work on your self. Learn, grow and be willing to change. Stand up to the challenge of life. Grow to be the best version of who you are.

It requires less character to discover the faults of others than to tolerate them. (J. Petit-Senn)

Tolerance: The Secret of a Happy Married Life (Part One)
Transparency and Vulnerability
Marriage Will Change You
SaveSaveSaveSave